Mourning my old life
But looking to the future of what adventures await!
I love holding her hand when she falls asleep, when I creep in next to her she fusses around but she is calmed by my hand in hers.
I love waking up to her, the first noise I hear in the morning (apart from a number of times in the night..but who’s counting)
I love her quizzical big eyes looking into the days and watching our every move as we go about our daily tasks.
I love how her little personality is coming out, and although she’s not using words I am understanding what she is communicating to me. Her fake laugh is hilarious and her little flapping arms in a temper is equally as cute.
I love that she’s my little shadow, she is always there for me to look after, entertain and feed and I am always there to respond to her needs.
But after a long day as I try to put her down for the nights sleep, feeding her poorly teething mouth and hoping to get some time to myself, but she isn’t entertaining it at all I feel sad and grief.
I mourn my old life, I miss not being able to get out the house in record time to meet friends at the drop of a hat, I miss a daily routine of a job and career I used to enjoy, I miss putting on clothing and not having to worry if I can get a boob out quickly!
I also miss the days I woke up feeling tired (I mean what was I thinking, I had had at least 9 hours sleep!!) I watch my supportive partner get up, get to work and pop out to see friends, how I wish to be able to do this without mum guilt and wanting to rush back.
I just miss general adventure and exploring with personal space, instead I’m home with my baby who won’t sleep and who has started to nibble my nipple because her little teeth are finally coming through at 10 months old.
But I know not to quit on a bad day, I know this is only a bad day, I won’t be going anywhere. I will carry on breastfeeding, I will carry on being late for appointments and meetings and I’m sure I’m just going to be tired for ever.. but I guess one day it will become the norm! I will carry on meeting new friends via my little social butterfly, and I will continue to explore this new venture as a mumma bear, a new women.
Although I’m missing aspects of my old life I am so thankful for the life I now have, the life I have always dreamt of; a loving partner, a gorgeous baby and a lively dog.. in the countryside!
I am meeting new friends, and I am exploring new areas of work. I am amazed how my body has produced and continues to grow a little human.
I have many years of ‘firsts’ to explore alongside my little sidekick, I have many years of being proud of her, of getting to know her better and understanding her inside and out, I just hope I am still able to gauge her emotions when she’s a teen!
As they say when a baby is born, so is a mother.
This is new to me, I will continue to be amazed each day by how much love I have and continue to have for this little person, for my partner and for myself, I feel this is a learning journey, but one that I will settle into quite nicely!
Be kind to yourselves mummas. This is a new venture for you!